Murph's Turf: Cheating athletes full of excuses, By: Tim Murphy

08/06/06

Forget engineering. Forget computers. Forget terrorism. Forget being Paris Hilton’s boyfriend.

Anyone looking for a growth field flush with opportunities should consider becoming an AMEN. It stands for Athlete’s Master Excuse Narrator, and, clearly, desperately, these people are in demand.

As the recent excuses offered by Tour de France winner Floyd Landis and 100-meter world record holder Justin Gatlin for failed drug tests attest, athletes can’t embellish to save their needle-marked behinds.

Landis attributed his failed drug test result to naturally occurring high levels of the hormone testosterone, then said it could have also been due to the beer and Jack Daniel’s he imbibed the night before completing one of the most amazing stages in the Tour’s history. Talk about drinking responsibly.

In an explanation with no happy ending, Gatlin’s coach claimed the sprinter’s faulty test was caused by a creamy steroid that a massage therapist rubbed into Gatlin’s legs without permission or knowledge.

But these tales, which appear tall enough to start at center in the NBA, are merely part of a growing legacy of bizarre excuses offered by athletes whose urine and/or blood leave test tubes looking like lava lamps.

Looking for a patron saint of zany fibbing? How about Javier Sotomayor. He was the Cuban high jumper who won a gold medal in 1991 and then tested positive for cocaine in 1999. Sotomayor said he was the victim of a conspiracy by the CIA, who may have put “some substance” in his food. A better excuse would have been the lunch with Marion Barry. Several years later, Sotomayor failed another test for nandrolone, a steroid.

Sotomayor’s rationale was just the start of the spin cycle. Since then we’ve had athletes blaming failed drug tests on eating too much red meat, a night of beers (four bottles) and intercourse (five times), an ex-husband spiking vitamin supplements, and someone spiking toothpaste. Vanity is also cited — when U.S. skeleton competitor Zach Lund tested positive for a banned stimulant, he said it was because of a baldness cure. “If God was telling me I had to be bald, this is it,” said Lund. More likely it was God telling him not to cheat, and also that he was going to be bald.

Tyler Hamilton, an Olympic gold medalist, sounded more like soap opera writer than cyclist when he speculated that a fraternal twin who vanished in the womb might have been the reason why he had someone else’s blood in his body.

Unfortunately, from a comic perspective, most athletes resort to banal excuses when confronted with a failed drug test or strong suspicion of steroid use. They either say they have never taken illegal performance enhancers or that they used them unknowingly. This line of defense is popular among baseball players, having been employed by Barry Bonds, Gary Sheffield and Rafael Palmeiro, among others.

But nestled among the tangled brush is a clearing. After testing positive for EPO following her victory in the 2004 Hawaii Ironman Triathlon, Nina Kraft admitted her guilt. “I screwed up,” she said. “I cheated.”

While Kraft’s admission was enviable, don’t expect a cascade of confessions. Far more likely are responses like that of Palmeiro, who tested positive for steroids after telling a House Committee he wasn’t a user. Palmeiro said he might be able to reveal an explanation at a later date.

Nearly a year later we’re still waiting, and it’s obvious that Palmeiro can’t find an excuse. All the good ones are taken.