FIRST-PERSON: Guilt from steroid use consumed White, By: Tim Ellsworth
 
April 13, 2006

JACKSON, Tenn. (BP)--Kelli White had always wanted to be a track star.

She had the pedigree. Her father was a noted sprinter and her mother also competed in the Olympics.

Even when she was 10 years old, coaches began to notice her potential. She seemed destined for greatness.

Unfortunately, her involvement with Victor Conte and her choice to take illegal performance enhancers have left a dark stain on what could have been a promising career.

In their new book “Game of Shadows,” Mark Fainaru-Wada and Lance Williams give a detailed description of Conte’s BALCO operation that provided athletes like White -- and most notably Barry Bonds -- with steroids and other illegal drugs.

It’s a fascinating and thorough investigation of the scandal that rocked professional sports. In addition to Bonds and White, the authors also label Jason Giambi, Gary Sheffield, Bill Romanowski, Marion Jones, Dwain Chambers, Tim Montgomery and others as drug cheats who benefited from Conte’s willingness to help them avoid detection.

Of all the athletes mentioned in the book, however, White seems to be one of the few who had a conscience.

White’s coach Remi Korchemny had been in cahoots with Conte for some time, and the duo constantly pressured White to take illegal performance enhancers.

At first she resisted, preferring only legal nutritional supplements she obtained from Conte. She was convinced that she could succeed as a sprinter on her own. She could work hard. But she eventually succumbed to the temptation.

“In Indoors of 2003, I saw someone doing very well under Victor’s program, and I decided that this person was not going to be beating me,” White said in the book.

The drugs Conte gave her helped. She gained about 15 pounds of muscle and started setting personal records in her races.

The success, however, came with a price. Acne became a problem, and her voice became deep and husky, the authors wrote. Those were the physical side effects.

But there were emotional side effects, too.

“Privately, White said she was angst-ridden, weighed down by the burden of having decided to cheat like everybody else,” the authors wrote.

She had just won the 100 meters and 200 meters at the World Championships, a feat which earned her $120,000. But the victories didn’t bring her any sense of fulfillment.

“White, though, had a sense it was all about to come crashing down,” the authors wrote. “She felt no joy when she finished the 200, and it showed in her lack of reaction when she crossed the finish line. She blamed exhaustion, but White later said she had been worn down by her guilt. She had come to loathe looking at pictures of herself, all chiseled and beefed up, no longer a smooth-skinned, radiant, and innocent young woman.”

Sure enough, White couldn’t evade the doping police for long. She eventually tested positive for illegal performance enhancers, and she ultimately cut a deal with the U.S. Anti-Doping Agency. White would testify against other athletes in the BALCO scandal in exchange for a more lenient sentence for her positive test. She returns to track this spring after a two-year ban, but the best years of her career are behind her.

Worn down by her guilt, White said. There’s wisdom in those words. She compromised her integrity, and she paid a high price.

White thought steroids would help make her life better. She found out she was terribly mistaken.